My hubby's birthday is coming up, so I thought this is the perfect time to share snippets of how we interact with each other during our IVF journey and get real about the not-so-good parts, which made us who we are today, better and stronger.
We don't have the perfect relationship, and in all honesty, I don’t want to jinx it, but we rarely have any arguments.
It could be because I’m pretty easy-going, and I don’t get mad (except the occasional red dragon day 1 of menses moments) but we do have “hurt’ feelings.
And it's only recent- we had a small argument, where we needed space from each other but we had a really good talk about it few nights later, where we agreed to disagree, but we got to a good place.
And we weren't like this before, at least I wasn't.
I wasn’t good with conversations, and I hate confrontations. I get triggered when people tell me what to do, because it made me feel that I did something wrong/bad and it’s related to a negative belief from young that “I’m wrong, and i’m not good enough.”
I grew up in a non-expressive traditional household, where we don’t really have heart-to-heart nor do we discuss our feelings or opinions. My dad''s words were the law "as long we were living under his roof" - that kind of thing.
In my previous relationships, I struggled with telling my partner what I want or sharing my true feelings or thoughts because I was afraid of the “repercussions”, I was afraid he will say no, I was afraid to get scolded.
Let me share 3 arguments that stood out in our 16 years.
One was in the beginning of our BGR, I can't remember the exact topic, some silly thing, but I was so devastated by his words, I couldn’t "defend" myself that I actually packed a bag, and told him it's over.
Another one was in 2020 before lockdown - we were in KL, exploring Sunfert Fertility clinic as our next IVF chapter. I remember he asked me what I wanted to do. At that moment, I really didn’t know the answers. Maybe I knew but I didn’t know how to express myself. And worst was I felt I wasn’t being listened to and that he didn’t understand how I felt.
We also had consistent mini fights when I told him to take his pills or to reduce his cycling activities when we were TTC or when he didn’t tell me what time he was coming home, and so dinner was late, Etc.
I’m not a relationship expert. but what I do know as a universal truth is that a "leopard never changes its spots" and ironically I used to take this as a negative connotation with my past relationships.
I knew this truth but I still had the expectations of wanting to change the other person.
Until I grew tired of things not changing.
Until I got tired of being (anger is an energy vampire!)
Until I found yoga.
So what worked for me and our relationship is I accepted that we can't change others until they are ready and willing to change.
But the one thing is within my control is Me!
I worked changing myself , my perception and how I respond. I gave myself homework - I will ask myself "do I want to be kind or do I want to be right? If I can't be kind, say nothing!"
“Do you want to be right or do you want to be kind?”
Let me tell you that that it was really hard to stop saying - "I told you so" or "you should have" or nagging or having a back retort, which was how my mum used to annoy my dad, where she would walk off to the kitchen and start muttering her displeasure (he can still hear her!)
What I realised in those moments when I faltered, I knew, in my heart, that it will turn into a conflict. The thing is when I think I’m right it means that I think he’s wrong.
So what if I’m right! The problem is they also think they are right, right?
But I keep reminding myself that it's not about them or about it's not about right or wrong. It's about being kind and wanting to be a better person and most importantly, I didn’t want to be like my mother.
(Not that’s anything wrong with my mother. I just didn’t want to repeat her pattern of behaviours that stemmed from her negative belief system.)
I'm a truly believer in that when you are willing to change yourself, others around you will change as well, because they will respond to the kinder and more loving person you've become. Because when you change yourself, you will start to love yourself more. And people can sense that in your energy.
I do have to acknowledge my husband as well, because he inspires to be kinder person. My husband has the biggest heart of anyone I know. He could give and give and give, without expecting anything back and that's not how I was brought up? And wanted to be more like that - and I'm still working on this.
So it takes 2 to clap or make or break a relationship - so here are 6 tips or lessons that we have both co-created to build the life we have at this moment -
(1) Work on yourself first
I recognised that i can’t change the situation nor my husband. So I worked on not making him or myself wrong. I worked on being kinder to myself. And I’m still working on myself.
(2) Telling each other “I love you” every single day!
My husband is the instigator on this one and he makes me feel loved every single day and even on the bad days. And we hug every morning before he goes to work and when he comes home. I’m very blessed.
Ps If saying “I love you” is difficult for both of you - read this story I wrote on how you can say I love you without saying I love you.
(3) Going for walks together
We have the best heart-felt conversations on our walks.
If walking is not your jam, think of any activity that can give you both space to be quiet with your own thoughts and at the same, you can be with each other.
(4) Being brave enough to tell him that what you want is for him to listen and not be in fixing mode.
He says this to me now - "do you want a solution or do you want me to listen?" ;)
(5) Journal what you want to say to him
Sometimes after I write, I didn’t need to say anything, coz journaling (and meditating for me) clears my headspace. But yes, I will have a script :)
(6) Making a date for the difficult conversations
I’m super bad at confrontations, so I need time to mentally prepare. (thus the journal). I pick the worst time and vice versa, but no time is perfect right? And so I will ask him when he is ready. And vice versa, if I’m not ready, I will tell him…. I lie sometimes I’m not even aware I put up walls, and he knows now, and he will give me time. :)
I hope this was helpful!
Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Related stories you might want to read:
Curious about how my husband’s kindness inspires me?
Read my mum’s story here
“ We can’t change others until they are ready and willing to change ”
